Sunday, November 28, 2010

Optimistic

He doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

Feels Like It's All Over


I've been reading this blog for a while, but no one ever writes about the kind of love im feeling right now. I may recognize myself in other peoples stories, at least the old me. But this is me now, and this is how I feel.

Maybe some of you do too:

It’s been over a year since we broke up. But I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone around me have stopped asking about him, and no one ever talks about him anymore.

So I’m basically doing everything to make some one mention him so I can talk about him. Today I’ve realized that I’m forgetting.

Forgetting him, how he smells, the touch of his hands. I’m forgetting the feeling when he kisses me, and holds me tight. I have started to forget about us.

That’s why I try to think about him before I fall asleep, so I can dream about him, because that makes him closer. It’s patethic, He’s over me, and I’m not even 17 yet, my life haven’t started.

But it feels like it’s over without him.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Not Because I Deserved Better

I broke up with you today. I broke up with you after five months together. Five months that to me didn’t mean so much.

I thought it would be an easy breakup. I would explain that my feelings had simply gone away; it had nothing to do with you. That was the truth. It had nothing to do with you. In never had.

See, you were the boy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey. You weren’t that funny. You didn’t dress very well. And you weren’t all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.

So I simply told you. I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had had feelings for you.

You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you´d probably keep loving me for a couple of months, and that I would have to let you do that. I didn’t know what to do else than to wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.

Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past five months, and you didn’t know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.

That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn’t have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.

Soul Mate


We first met when I was 14.

I was crossing the road, and you saw me.

You told your brother to stop the car, right there, in the middle of the road, came down, looked at me, smiled, gave me your card and said "Call me".

I wanted to, but I didn't.

The second time we met, was when I was 15.

I was with my cousins that day, watching the squatter houses getting torn down, and you were there.

You stood on the huge rock, and looked down at me.

I felt someone staring at me, so I turned to look.. and there you were, smiling at me but I looked away.

When I was about to leave, I saw you walking my way, but then the fireman that was there, came over to talk to me just a few seconds before you.. you looked at me, turned and left.

A few months later, we spoke for the very first time.

Yes, I decided to call you and our conversation lasted 2 hours.

We told each other our likes, dislikes, and found out that we had a lot in common.

The next week, I was walking back home, and I saw you on your scooter. With a girl. And you were holding her hand so tightly, it was as though you were never going to let go.

I reached home... sat down.. and all of a sudden...pain rushed through my entire body.. but I didn't cry.. all I could do was think to myself, why does this hurt so much? why did seeing him on his scooter with a girl hurt me so badly? why?

Then I realized.

Even after the first time we met, when you gave me your card, i couldn't stop thinking of you, and that smile of yours.

Did I fall in love? Maybe.

After that day, I saw you with her, everyday and so, I did what was best. I moved on.

5 years went by without thinking of you. I literally managed to block you out of my mind and my life, and life, was going pretty swell for me.

College started, new friends were made, and a loving boyfriend of 3 years was in my life. Life was a bliss.

Semester break came along, and I decided to head home for the month.. and one day, during a walk, I saw you... and you saw me.. you ran across the road and said "Hi!".. all i could do was smile.

Why couldn't I just turn and walk away? It was like my feet were glued to the ground the minute you smiled.

You asked how I was, and I said great.

The next question was "Boyfriend?" I answered "Yes".. you said "Oh" and walked away like you did everytime you heard something you didn't like.

I called out to you and said we can be friends and you smiled and agreed.

We started hanging out a lot. Movies, drinks, surfing, live band shows. You called me up one evening and said to come over to the usual place. i told you I'd be there in 10.

When i arrived, you were up on stage.. That was a normal thing, since you were in a band. You sang Faithfully by Journey and at the end, you said that it was for me.

I froze.

What were you thinking?

what was I thinking?

I had a boyfriend.

Then I snapped back to my reality.

What was happening?

We said we'd be friends. But.. did something happen along the way?

When I woke up that night, I found you next to me. I got out of bed, on to the balcony, and had a cigarette. Shit. I had done something I swore never to do. cheat. Then you came out, and we had a huge argument. the next thing you did, made me blow up.

You called my boyfriend. and told him everything.

He left me. I left you. you sent me a text saying "I hate you", i replied with "Thank you for coming into my life and ruining everything and for making me so blinded that I actually slept with you"

I never heard from you again.

All I could think of after that was what the hell was i thinking? What in the world made me sleep with you? why did I throw away a perfectly good relationship for you? but I didn't put the blame on you. I blamed myself. for being so stupid.

10 years after that day, i'm happily married, with a beautiful daughter, and by the power of facebook, you found me. I accepted your friend request and then while chatting one day, you asked me, what happened to us.

You told me you never forgot me, how my hair smelt after being washed, how I laughed, how I made you happy, how you felt complete when I was next to you.

i told you I never forgot you either. especially your smile.

You said let's run away together. I said no. you're married. I'm married. that's the way it should be.

you said it wasn't.

you said we were soul-mates.

All i said was

"We are soul-mates that weren't meant to end up together. If we had started at the very beginning, we might have been together for a lifetime"

you said maybe in our next lifetime.

i told you that in our next lifetime, when you stop the car in the middle of the road, don't give me your card. just say "Will you be mine".

You agreed but said "I'll just say Will you marry me"

We laughed.

Yes. we are soul-mates, we're not together, but we never forgot one another.

Remember The Time...




Friday, November 26, 2010

I Love(d) You




My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told you're not gonna do anything to save this relationship. And that you're just gonna sit back and let whatever happen, happens. You said, 'If God want us to be together,we will'. But then again, if you love something, you should work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.

You told me I'm a Bitch and I never appreciate. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship. I told myself to give all up on you.

But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on iTunes, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurting too, but it doesn't seem like it.

And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.

You promised me forever. You said you were gonna marry me. You said I was the only you loved. You are my first kiss. You told me I'm a good kisser. You said you'll love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believed everything you said.

And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.

But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.

You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?

You said we could be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.

One day, I'll be happy again. I hope.

I Want You




Wish


Like I Do


I Want To Move On



every time i want to remember you..
i close my eyes..
i haven't seen you in so long..

i close my eyes..
remembering images..memories..pictures..
the first thing that i remember
is that picture of you..
wearing that dark blue hat..outside of starbux...
u were wearing a beige sweater..
and had a thicker beard then usual..
i remember your gaze in the picture
i feel like that picture spoke to me..
calling out for me..
i longed to be there with you
i long to be with you..

i daydream all the time..
most of my day im thinking of you..
my mind keeps drifting to you..

i get mad at myself..
im forgetting
i dont want to forget..
i dont remember anymore..
it was so long ago..
it hurts so much that i dont remember..

i forgot so many things..
but what i will always have is the way that u made me feel..

i feel small and inadequate now..
no one has ever made me feel that special..

i close my eyes again..
thinking of you..
looking so handsome.
you hugged me so tight
that u cried..
i couldn't believe it u cried..

i long for that hug
i long for that day

its not healthy to think about u like this..
i cant help myself..
i try
i try

till today songs on the radio remind me of you.
i cant even listen to them..
it hurts so bad..

i wish that one day you pick up the fone and call me..
and tell me
that you miss me
and that you will always love me..

its pathetic that i still have hope..
i wait for news that you guys ended ur marriage.
i know thats mean..
but i think that we are meant to be..
and that we are destined to be together..

so naive..
i think deep down im still that naive girl..
yearning for love and attention..

in my sleep i usually wake up with tears..
another day without you..
do you know that everyday i look at my fone
hoping for a msg a call anything from you

every day i wake up a little bit disappointed
every night i dream of you and hope that you come back..

i am lost without you
i am not complete..

if i hear someone talk like that i'd think there so corny
im not usually the romantic mushy type..
this is from my heart..

i dream of you
i wait for you
i long for you
i am still madly deeply in love with you..

to my sadness and despair..this is still the case..

dear god..please get me out of this..
i want to be ok
i want to move on..

i will go to bed..
still with hope in my heart..

Best Friends!=)

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achey, sweet love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

The ones that smile for you when you excitedly fall in love with some new, unknown boy. The ones that sit through a pack of cigarettes with you at two to five in the morning listening to you cry about said boy who cheated on you even though they've got to be up at six for work. The ones that take time off work / school just for a little naughty afternoon shopping and eating on weekday. The ones who drag you to social events just to distract you from a broken heart. The ones who respond to every facebook, every twitter status update, just so you don't feel so alone and ignored. The ones who recognize you have a right to feel as shitty as you do about the boy who hurt you even though they'd spent the last two years telling you he was nothing but trash, the ones who don't tell you you're a fool, the ones who tell you you've a right to hurt. Because they're also the ones who have the strength and the love enough to tell you to snap out of it, that he was never worth it, because they're also the ones who have the courage to be honest enough to tell you you'd be a fool to take the manipulative creep back. The ones who bombard his messenger account with warnings to leave you alone, the ones who tell him behind your back to leave you well and alone, to stop messing with your mind when he's already with someone else. The ones who introduce you to new and wonderfully normal and loving boys.

This one also goes out to all the best other-gender best friends in the world. The ones that pick you up late at night for supper, just to take you out of your head. The ones that show you not all the men in the world are screw-ups and traitors, the ones that help you believe that good people still exist in the world. The ones you can laugh with without wanting to kiss, the ones who can give you that insight into that boy's soul you've been dying to know. The ones who swear they'll beat up / get the triads to beat up the poor sod who had the poor judgment to cheat on someone as wonderful and incredible as you even though it's the first night they've met you. The ones that love you exactly the way you are, the ones that don't mind you snuggling against them just for a warm body without asking for anything more, the ones that come all the way down to the club from home just to drive you home, the ones that cry with you when you sit in your darkness wondering what you've done to deserve such betrayal from the one boy you'd give anything for. The ones that hurt with you when you're drowning in your darkness, the ones that hurt because they see your pain and can't do anything to touch you, to help you.

Friends never betray each other. We fight, sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends, friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

I see you, my lovable friends. And I love you. This is my apology, for doing what I did to our friendships, and this is my way of reminding the world that there is more love in the world that what exists between some guy and a girl.

I love you, my best friends. More than I ever loved him. I promise.

When Love becomes a Curse..


When love becomes a curse, all that is left is destruction and demention. When you try to stop her from breaking up, you never meant to hit her but it just happens.. When you scratch him to defend yourself you never planned it..

When you abuse, accuse, cry and isolate yourself.. When all those memories stab you at night like daggers and when the broken pieces of your heart make you bleed and you wish you were dead..

Those lies, hurts, those tears and cries, heartbreak, betrayal and the stabbing pain.. You feel suffocated, when heart turns to metal and lungs seem to breathe no oxygen, filled with solid iron.. When every breath becomes an effort and it seems that you find yourself fighting for breath..

When you hate the one you loved the most.. When all the love vaporises in thin air.. When he blames you or your ignorance, while you blame him for the lack of sincerity..

When loves becomes too much that it crosses possessiveness and becomes insanity.. When once one who loved you has the sole purpose of destroying you forever.. When the mention of the name at which your heart missed a beat becomes a switch to turn you on fire.. The two souls burn and the crowd watches in amazement..

When love becomes a curse just remember life doesn't comes with a rewind button.. When the best solution is to make peace with your past otherwise its damnation..

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Happy Birthday!

Hhaapppyyyy 17thhh birrrrtthhhdaayyyy to me,myself...=D
unexpected surprises..and wishes from few people..
but over all it was a worst birthday..don't know why but i don't like birthdays.

Will Never See Him Here Again

Why he? Why God take away the person who we are close to and don't ever want to loose? Phew.. things change within a blink of eye that one doesn't even realise..he thinks about his future but he doesn't know whether he will be alive in the upcoming second....sigh....life is so uncertain.
He was caring husband, great father and a grand father too, an owner of a very strong personality, he inspired alot!
But God knows what happened. His fate let him enter the destined place where few can survive. But his luck was not with him today. He didn't even get time to say good-bye to the ones he called family.
"You value the things when they are taken away from you."
The ones who treated him badly were guilty for what they did after his departure but what they didn't realize that it was quite late for their act. It was difficult to accept what the truth is. But yet people had to believe. That the best grandfather, father, husband, brother, cousin, colleague, friend is now no more.

P.S: R.I.P seksi's chachu. May Allah give him highest place in jannah and peace and strength to his family. Ameen.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Through a Different Lens

A medium is necessary for even light to travel. Humans require a media for expression of feelings, either by body language, behavior or enhancing amplitude of their special talent.

Some of us, normal looking people are different from others but all those different people are alike. Artist, embodied in everyone is the adhesive of normality and recognizing marks the difference.

She was not normal according to people who claimed to know her. No one can forget her once met. Maybe it was such because people thought that she was unique as she was an inspiring respiring body; slim physique, long hair tied in a chutiya and black spectacles hiding her lovely eyes, while had a very mature voice and brilliant student, the ones which people give examples of. Everyone registered her, but she was unaware of the surrounding busy in exploring herself everyday stretching her own limits, ready to learn and experiment. The only problem which she had was she wasn’t expressive. It was not that she didn’t want to express, the only thing was she didn’t knew how to express the only thing she used to do so was to dance; yes she danced to express her feelings… She was no ballad dancer, a random street learner whose moves were dependent on her mood swings. She believed in all feelings except one; that was of love.

Innocent, cute and sweet she danced with a feeling like that of a child who plays in the puddle of muddy water, splashes with no worries of being scolded. Her dance disconnected her from the world, and the connection was regained when her desired feelings were released. One can say; she expelled what she dint want as her own component.

Yes she was different, her nature, her kindness in fact her soul made her different from everyone. And the best part of her was that she never isolated herself when others needed her. She talked to many people at the hour of their need. She didn’t care how she looked. She was a firm believer of practicing own beliefs.
She kept on living and dancing like this and one day everything was different, she was dancing unusually; happy vibes were being felt by her coz she was experiencing a new feeling; but the only thing she worried was to know that the new feeling was of love.

It happened! Love happened… It’s said that love always attracts the hearts which are innocent and oblivious to it. So her heart was perfect for it. But being innocent and cute did not make her let go of what she was taught. The teachings which made her stand different from others, the ones which made here unique; Yes her moral value. She knew her limits and also knew the difference between right and wrong and was focused on her destination and she knew it was not love. That made her determined… She’s determined to never tell that guy about her feelings as she thought it to be unfair on her parents’ part.

He; a perfect candidate, the one who she could definitely fall for. Because he was the one who did not demand any explanations, the one who stood by her every time. His gaze was not meant to be described. He was not normal too. A man with thoughts above his age and actions immature. He was a feeble who needed a finger to wrap around and walk.
Having 'I know everything' attitude made her dislike him. But he was an exact copy of hers. She never saw time passed by when with him sharing the miniature talks making it a complex relation. Confronting each other, made her go deep to invade this new feeling.

She could feel the heat of his body blending with his, his touch was soft, all that warmth of hug made her crazy. She could neither tell him anything nor could she keep it in herself. She danced in the middle of night for hours until she was tired to breathe and aggression was overcome. While heavily breathing she whispered to herself

“urtay khwabon ka aitbaar kahan…
ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan”


According to people she’s mad unhappy and bored of life which is partly true but she’s happy the way she is! As sometimes in life it’s meant to be so; to find happiness in larger scene rather than looking for them in every moment.

“mere mehboob chal aur kahin
Jahan bantay ho, hawaon mein, ujartay na hoon
mahal khwabon ke kabhi”

© Xnb & Ubaid Ullah Ahmed.

Sometimes Loss Aint Affordable...


Is he still unaware of what actually she is? or he is still unable to accept what she is? Its just that she was the QUEEN of her own world. She does what she want to in her own way and that was perfect for her. She didn't like to be governed by guidances but people did gave her advices which she rarely considered. On the other hand he, was complete opposite personality of hers: Emotional, Fed up of life, Busy in his own dream-world.
The both worlds coincide one day. Spent their time by teasing each other,silly fights,became close friends. But he found her different from the lot. Sometimes he cant figure out why she was like this? What made her seem like this? But neither she could help him to understand her nor she could accept to change for him the reason being she found her real self after a very long time. So it was difficult for her to be what he wanted her to be.
He liked her but couldn't get along with the way she reacted and responded to people. Sometimes her actions make him feel that she doesn't know him. Although she does ignore him sometimes for specific reasons and this is what irritates him at it's best. But he never said this to her because he cannot afford to lose her.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Change.

Life changes very fast that we our self don't even realize it. People let us realize that you are changing now a days. But they themself say that life is a journey new people come in life and if they donot stay there is a reason behind it. So life is also the same it changes like a clock moves. People also change just because their environment changes. New people step into their life so automatically you have to change yourself even if you don't want to, to ajust yourself with them. If you say i don't want to change myself and i can stay alone so that's not possible because a time come in life when you need someone to share your feelings with, notebooks, writing diaries won't help you. A person cannot be same at everytime and at every situation.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mere bina.



Mere bina main rehne laga hoon
Teri hawa mein behne laga hoon
Jaane main kaise, tera hua hoon
Mujhe toh lagta hai main shayad tere dil ki dua hoon haan
Tujhko jo paaya
Toh jeena aaya
Ab yeh lamha thehar jaaye tham jaaye bas jaaye hum dono ke darmiyaan haan
Tujhko jo paaya aha
Toh jeena aaya
Ab yeh lamha thehar jaaye tham jaaye bas jaaye hum dono ke darmiyaan haan

Pehle se zyada
Main jee raha hoon
Jabse main tere, dil se juda hoon
Raahon pe teri, main toh chala hoon
Tu meri manzil hai tere kadmon pe bas rukne laga hoon haan

Tujhko jo paaya
Toh jeena aaya
Ab yeh lamha thehar jaaye tham jaaye bas jaaye hum dono ke darmiyaan haan
Tujhko jo paaya
Toh jeena aaya
Ab yeh lamha thehar jaaye tham jaaye bas jaaye hum dono ke darmiyaan haan