Saturday, December 4, 2010

Questions

I don't know whom to ask them to. Because the one who can answer them is not interested.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Optimistic

He doesn't deserve me.

i know that that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn't any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven't been optimistic in months. i've spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. i'm young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it's okay if i don't find him anytime soon. i'm not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i'm just going to let go. i know i won't completely get over him right away, but i'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i'm letting go of him because i don't need him.

i'm going to live. i'm going to have a love for life. and i'm going to be happy.

Feels Like It's All Over


I've been reading this blog for a while, but no one ever writes about the kind of love im feeling right now. I may recognize myself in other peoples stories, at least the old me. But this is me now, and this is how I feel.

Maybe some of you do too:

It’s been over a year since we broke up. But I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone around me have stopped asking about him, and no one ever talks about him anymore.

So I’m basically doing everything to make some one mention him so I can talk about him. Today I’ve realized that I’m forgetting.

Forgetting him, how he smells, the touch of his hands. I’m forgetting the feeling when he kisses me, and holds me tight. I have started to forget about us.

That’s why I try to think about him before I fall asleep, so I can dream about him, because that makes him closer. It’s patethic, He’s over me, and I’m not even 17 yet, my life haven’t started.

But it feels like it’s over without him.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Not Because I Deserved Better

I broke up with you today. I broke up with you after five months together. Five months that to me didn’t mean so much.

I thought it would be an easy breakup. I would explain that my feelings had simply gone away; it had nothing to do with you. That was the truth. It had nothing to do with you. In never had.

See, you were the boy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey. You weren’t that funny. You didn’t dress very well. And you weren’t all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.

So I simply told you. I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had had feelings for you.

You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you´d probably keep loving me for a couple of months, and that I would have to let you do that. I didn’t know what to do else than to wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.

Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past five months, and you didn’t know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.

That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn’t have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.

Soul Mate


We first met when I was 14.

I was crossing the road, and you saw me.

You told your brother to stop the car, right there, in the middle of the road, came down, looked at me, smiled, gave me your card and said "Call me".

I wanted to, but I didn't.

The second time we met, was when I was 15.

I was with my cousins that day, watching the squatter houses getting torn down, and you were there.

You stood on the huge rock, and looked down at me.

I felt someone staring at me, so I turned to look.. and there you were, smiling at me but I looked away.

When I was about to leave, I saw you walking my way, but then the fireman that was there, came over to talk to me just a few seconds before you.. you looked at me, turned and left.

A few months later, we spoke for the very first time.

Yes, I decided to call you and our conversation lasted 2 hours.

We told each other our likes, dislikes, and found out that we had a lot in common.

The next week, I was walking back home, and I saw you on your scooter. With a girl. And you were holding her hand so tightly, it was as though you were never going to let go.

I reached home... sat down.. and all of a sudden...pain rushed through my entire body.. but I didn't cry.. all I could do was think to myself, why does this hurt so much? why did seeing him on his scooter with a girl hurt me so badly? why?

Then I realized.

Even after the first time we met, when you gave me your card, i couldn't stop thinking of you, and that smile of yours.

Did I fall in love? Maybe.

After that day, I saw you with her, everyday and so, I did what was best. I moved on.

5 years went by without thinking of you. I literally managed to block you out of my mind and my life, and life, was going pretty swell for me.

College started, new friends were made, and a loving boyfriend of 3 years was in my life. Life was a bliss.

Semester break came along, and I decided to head home for the month.. and one day, during a walk, I saw you... and you saw me.. you ran across the road and said "Hi!".. all i could do was smile.

Why couldn't I just turn and walk away? It was like my feet were glued to the ground the minute you smiled.

You asked how I was, and I said great.

The next question was "Boyfriend?" I answered "Yes".. you said "Oh" and walked away like you did everytime you heard something you didn't like.

I called out to you and said we can be friends and you smiled and agreed.

We started hanging out a lot. Movies, drinks, surfing, live band shows. You called me up one evening and said to come over to the usual place. i told you I'd be there in 10.

When i arrived, you were up on stage.. That was a normal thing, since you were in a band. You sang Faithfully by Journey and at the end, you said that it was for me.

I froze.

What were you thinking?

what was I thinking?

I had a boyfriend.

Then I snapped back to my reality.

What was happening?

We said we'd be friends. But.. did something happen along the way?

When I woke up that night, I found you next to me. I got out of bed, on to the balcony, and had a cigarette. Shit. I had done something I swore never to do. cheat. Then you came out, and we had a huge argument. the next thing you did, made me blow up.

You called my boyfriend. and told him everything.

He left me. I left you. you sent me a text saying "I hate you", i replied with "Thank you for coming into my life and ruining everything and for making me so blinded that I actually slept with you"

I never heard from you again.

All I could think of after that was what the hell was i thinking? What in the world made me sleep with you? why did I throw away a perfectly good relationship for you? but I didn't put the blame on you. I blamed myself. for being so stupid.

10 years after that day, i'm happily married, with a beautiful daughter, and by the power of facebook, you found me. I accepted your friend request and then while chatting one day, you asked me, what happened to us.

You told me you never forgot me, how my hair smelt after being washed, how I laughed, how I made you happy, how you felt complete when I was next to you.

i told you I never forgot you either. especially your smile.

You said let's run away together. I said no. you're married. I'm married. that's the way it should be.

you said it wasn't.

you said we were soul-mates.

All i said was

"We are soul-mates that weren't meant to end up together. If we had started at the very beginning, we might have been together for a lifetime"

you said maybe in our next lifetime.

i told you that in our next lifetime, when you stop the car in the middle of the road, don't give me your card. just say "Will you be mine".

You agreed but said "I'll just say Will you marry me"

We laughed.

Yes. we are soul-mates, we're not together, but we never forgot one another.

Remember The Time...




Friday, November 26, 2010

I Love(d) You




My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told you're not gonna do anything to save this relationship. And that you're just gonna sit back and let whatever happen, happens. You said, 'If God want us to be together,we will'. But then again, if you love something, you should work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.

You told me I'm a Bitch and I never appreciate. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship. I told myself to give all up on you.

But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on iTunes, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurting too, but it doesn't seem like it.

And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.

You promised me forever. You said you were gonna marry me. You said I was the only you loved. You are my first kiss. You told me I'm a good kisser. You said you'll love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believed everything you said.

And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.

But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.

You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?

You said we could be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.

One day, I'll be happy again. I hope.